My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.