You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Never forget.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend