Only Americans understand
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I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.