It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
😬
Body by Oreos
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”