ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Many hands make light work
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..