when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
You Might Also Like
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Waiter: I鈥檓 sorry sir, we don鈥檛 have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
馃ぃ
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you鈥檙e not supposed to touch it.
It鈥檚 science.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first