It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.