My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
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If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
good let them take over I have had enough
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
me before I type out affect or effect
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.