Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
This is amazing.