me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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Is….Is this an option?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
For the orator and chef in all of us
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
This is my bus stop.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*