Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
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doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???