It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
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Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.