PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
You Might Also Like
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
is there nothing we can trust anymore
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails