Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?