If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*