Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
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Guilty! 🤪
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity