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Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.