There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”