[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
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Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
shit just got real
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty