Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
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“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Follow me for more fitness tips.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
What do you hear?