If a snake ate a cake
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*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.