*has no idea what a book even is*
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Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Meow
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
#parenting
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.