my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.