“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times