My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
You Might Also Like
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.