Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]