oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.