OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
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Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Just why bro?!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking