I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
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guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.