john wicks are toilet candles
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Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me too 😆
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.