The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.