Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
A choir of Spring onions
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played