I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
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netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
wtf management?!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”