Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.