*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
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Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
no one likes gloating
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?