God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?