[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
checking out some reviews of my local library
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.