Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Growing out my freckles.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
This is always good for a laugh.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.