I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us