I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
that colleague who touches your screen
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”