Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
You Might Also Like
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
cry laughing at this shit
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Scream sneezers need love too.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
The fall of Netflix