*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️