My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
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[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.