Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water