[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
*sewing*
A thread
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
💁🏻♂️
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
At least he brought enough for everyone
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?