I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
wtf is an acronym
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us