supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*