Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If you need a laugh.. 😅
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.