Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.