Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon